On being absent

I know I’ve been pretty absent from this space for awhile. I must apologise. It’s not that I don’t have anything to say, because I do. When I started this blog over eighteen months ago, my intention was to capture all that I was feeling in the moment as I went through the motions of dealing with the end of my marriage. I knew that the blog would play a significant part in my healing, not only in providing me with a ‘safe’ space in which to express how I felt (the good, the bad, the ugly and everything in between) but that it would provide me with some sort of measure as to how I was progressing on this journey. So, the fact that I haven’t been writing on here and expressing myself as much as I have in the past doesn’t mean that I’m done with this journey or that there haven’t been any thoughts or emotions in relation to my divorce. That is so, so far removed from the truth. I’m pretty sure I’ll always have some thoughts or some emotion towards my divorce at any point in time no matter how far along I am in this journey. I suppose it’s just how significant they are when I’m thinking them or feeling them and how they actually affect me in the moment. This journey of mine is continuous. It’s not finished and I honestly believe that it is a never ending journey. A journey in continued self-discovery and self-exploration, in finding out what this life truly means for me and what I want it to mean. When the posts on this blog are far and few in between, it doesn’t mean that I’m no longer dealing with my divorce. My head and heart have come to terms with my divorce but that doesn’t mean that I no longer feel those feelings that come with divorce. I do. Just on a less intense scale. On a lower level.

To give you just a snippet on what’s been happening in my life over the last couple of months – I’ve started seeing someone but I’m not entirely sure what I want from it or if I want it at all. I knew dating was always on the cards for me post-separation and post-divorce, I just didn’t know when it would happen and to be honest I didn’t think it’d be this soon. I’m also now in the middle of some traveling and it’s been such a different experience to my travels last year. I promise I’ll post an update on the love and travel when I’m home in a week.

A weird kinda sad

Tiny revelation happened tonight. Scrolling through my Instagram feed, I came across the most precious photo of a friend’s husband and three children. All cuddled up in bed. It was captioned “So much love”. So here’s the thing. I am happy being child-free right now. Yes, if I were with the right person right this moment, sure I’d have kids. But, the fact that I am single? Well, it’s actually pretty good being child-free and being able to do whatever the hell I want to do. When I see a random baby down the street, I go as far as thinking it’s cute. But that’s about it. When I see a baby of someone I know, it makes me feel… well sad. Of course sadness isn’t the only emotion that comes along with it, there’s love, there’s admiration (on the parent’s part – babies and toddlers are super hard work!), there’s gratefulness. But I can’t help but feel that weird kinda sadness. A sadness that’s a little bit of a mix of grief, regret and envy. In the least negative  way, I should add. It’s just weird.

Pondering life

Admittedly I still have a few of the jackass’ friends on my Facebook account. Not many, only a few. Lucky for me there is never anything about the jackass on their newsfeed so I’m okay there. But. I do get news of their lives. Today I learnt that one of them is newly pregnant. Fantastic news of course, but I can’t help but think that that was almost me. This particular friend got married three months before we did. I’m pretty sure had the jackass and I remained in our marriage, we’d be pregnant by now too. I’m not sad, I’m just a little melancholy about it all. It’s funny where life takes us.

Instead of nappies or strollers or breast feeding on my mind, I have other things occupying me like planning my next travel adventure. Travel is always on my mind. Lately I’ve been pondering on how I’ll fit in more of the world in my life. It’s absolutely magic that I get the opportunity to travel to different places over weeks at a time. But I’m trying to think outside the box. I’m yearning something a little more than just saying hello to a city for a few days. I’m yearning something more. At this stage, I’m seriously considering a career break, I don’t know, somewhere along the six to twelve month timeframe. I just want to see the world. Immerse myself in a different life. Live outside my comfort zone. Challenge my heart, challenge my being. What better way to do that than to explore beautiful places, learning a new language and living in a different world to what I’ve always known. I’m yearning for more growth, more knowledge, more perspective, more life lessons… I know they’re bountiful, endless and just waiting for me. It’s up to me to go in search for them.

These are just thoughts. For now. We’ll see where I can take them. More pondering to follow. Life is good. I’m happy. I’m well. I hope you are too. Have a wonderful week, friends.

A little conversation

Just the other day, I sat on my sister’s couch with my 7-year old nephew and 4-year old niece by my side. I was wearing a heart-shaped ring and it caught my nephew’s eye. As he took the ring off my finger, this conversation followed:

Nephew: Is this your wedding ring?
Me: No, it isn’t. It’s just my ring.
Nephew: Why don’t you have a wedding ring anymore?
Me: I guess because I’m not married anymore.
Niece: You don’t have a husband?
Me: No, I don’t.
Nephew: Why don’t you have a husband?
Me: I don’t need a husband.
Niece: Why don’t you need a husband?
Me: Well, because all I need is myself… And YOU!

And that was that. Mind you, these are kids who up until 18 months ago, knew the jackass as their uncle. He was all they ever knew as the jackass had been in their lives the moment they were born. For a few months after our separation they asked about the jackass. But then the questions stopped and very, very rarely these days do they ask me about being married. They’re kids being kids – curious and always wondering. After all, they were so much a part of our wedding day. I just wanted them to know that sometimes things happen and they don’t always turn out the way you’d imagine them to be, and that’s okay. That’s life. I want them to know that their happiness is not dependent on someone else. That if they’re happy with themselves, then that’s good enough.

It’s complicated

It’s amazing how much can happen in a matter of a few weeks. I feel like I’m going through a mini-emotional tornado right now. My head is spinning, my heart is slightly aching for the first time in a long time in a very different way. There is a man in my life. But of course, as love always is, or as it always seems to be anyway, it’s complicated. In time, I’ll share more. But for now, I need to somehow figure out where I stand in all of this and what I’m going to do about it. Hope you’re all having a good week so far. Mine is, well, a little crazy.

Snapping out of it

I had a little revelation today. My best friend is going through a tough time. Being a new mother is hard. Being a parent is hard. I don’t need to have borne a child myself to know that. My amazing friend is going through some major post-natal depression right now and I’m doing all I can to give her the support that she needs and to just be there for her. I feel such an intense need to be there for her out of love and loyalty – but it’s hard. I feel extremely helpless. And there are times when I feel like I’m the worst advice-giver in the world. I hardly ever know the right thing to say.

The thing is, she’s in this temporary state of depression and she readily admits that she is irrational and that she needs to get out of this funk. She just doesn’t know how to and then it all tends to spiral downwards. I won’t begin to compare my divorce to this journey she’s experiencing because we are both in completely different situations. But I do know what it’s like to be in a funk so deep that it just seems impossible to climb out of. That was the case for me at the start of it all.

At the start, I would find myself falling into dark emotional abysses constantly. I’d have no idea how to pull myself out of them. How to just ‘snap’ out of it. I knew I had to but it all seemed impossible. There were times I was convinced that I’d be unhappy, depressed and just sad… Forever. But the thing is, I truly believe that the human spirit is a resilient one. We, as human beings, we learn. We adapt. That is, if we let it. If we accept our circumstances for what they are, choose to acknowledge our problems, choose to do something about them, even though there may not be an immediate solution, I think we give ourselves the power to make changes. Positive changes. Time. Sometimes we just need time. To learn and to heal.

Today, I realised that with time, I learnt how to snap out of funks I tend to fall deeply into from time to time. As time goes by, I get a little better at it. I let myself wallow and cry if I need to. I let myself feel sorry for myself, a little, if I need to. I let my heart do whatever it needs to do and I let it feel whatever it needs to feel. And then I start to snap out of it, as quickly as I can. Because I know it’s no place to be. That dark, sad place is no place to be. Time has allowed me to process my thoughts and feelings more quickly whenever I find myself to be in a funk. It has allowed me to learn to be a little quicker in swapping negative and irrational thoughts for logical and rational thoughts instead.

I know it’s tough for my best friend and she’s slowly learning to get herself out of funks. She’s finding it hard to do so but I have no doubt in time, like me, she’ll be thinking rationally and logically again. Life is certainly full of challenges. It’s no bed of roses. I’m just thankful that my own hardships have taught me life lessons that constantly prove invaluable. Sometimes the best lessons are learnt the hard way. And the truth is, I’d rather go through hell and back to learn a great life lesson than not at all.

All is well

Friends, I apologise for my sporadic posts. I still don’t have the internet connected, I’m in limbo – stuck between utter frustration of not having the freedom I used to have with doing things I used to do on the internet like blog, surf for ideas and the less important but still essential things like online shopping and getting used to spending less time on the internet. It’s weird.

Nevertheless I’m here and I’m well. Really well actually. Work is fantastic. I’m in a reasonably new role and I’m making the most of it, learning and developing skills needed to get me where I want to be. I can’t remember if I blogged about this new role I’m in. It’s a six-month secondment within my current team and it’s a huge step for me. It’s been a learning curve but I’m adding things I’m passionate about to my role, like coaching and mentoring, which provides me with great satisfaction as I walk out of the office each day. I’m just grateful for a job I love. Or a job at all, really.

Personally, I’m well too. My emotions are under control and though my divorce still lingers at the forefront of my mind from time to time, I’m okay. I’ve been okay for awhile. I’m still getting the hang of letting go. Forgiveness. That’s a tough one. But I’m learning.

It’s almost the weekend. My weekends have been chilled out and low key – perfect I think. Here’s to another great weekend, making the most of life – living it.

Weddings

I’m still struggling with weddings. I’ll admit it, I strongly dislike going to weddings divorced. Since separating and divorcing, I’ve been to two weddings. The first was sometime last year and I blogged about how that wedding made me feel anger. It brought up anger towards to the jackass that I had obviously been suppressing and compartmentalising.

Last night, almost a year later, I went to another wedding and it just made me feel sad. Plain and simple, sad. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love weddings and love celebrating the love between two people. Last night’s wedding was probably the most beautiful, most heartfelt and most moving wedding I’ve ever been too. The bridegroom had the most amazing speech and though most of my tears throughout and after the speech was a result of his beautiful words for his new wife, I can’t deny that some of those tears were a reflection of the sadness felt in the deepest parts of my heart – didn’t I have that? Why has the reality of my marriage been so far removed from what I’d dreamt for it to be? Why could he not love me the way I thought he could? Was what we had even real? Or was it all an illusion? I just don’t know. I don’t want to believe that the life we built together over a decade simply didn’t mean anything. But I don’t even know that. I don’t know what was real and what wasn’t.

The love I saw last night at the wedding was unconditional, the type of love that could move mountains. It’s hard to snap out of it when I’m being thrusted into the moment, but I just couldn’t help but wonder why. Why wasn’t it to be for me? I want to be loved by a man who has the kindest and most beautiful of hearts. It’s just painful to know that I thought I had that. That’s why I chose him. I thought I had that in a man. I truly believed that he was the one. And it hurts and it kills that it wasn’t what it seemed.

Weddings are still tough, is all.

More pondering

The less busy I am, the more I reflect and the more I think. That can be a good thing but it can also be… well, a little detrimental to the soul. Sounds dramatic, it really isn’t. But, it sure does get those thoughts a-swirling in my head.

You know, initially when the jackass and I separated, though I didn’t want contact with him, I somehow still had that urge to look him up on Twitter or Instagram. I’d go looking at his friends’ Facebook pages. What was I looking for? I don’t know. I guess I didn’t want contact but there was that curious side of me that wanted a glimpse of what the hell he was up to. Eventually that urge to know faded. Pretty quickly.

When 2014 came around, I decided that when my divorce was finalised that any urge I’d have to go searching for a glimpse of him would be shut down instantly and completely. I wasn’t going to tolerate even the mere thought of it. With the divorce finalised, there was absolutely no reason whatsoever to have that little glimpse to satisfy any curiosity I had. Am I still curious? Yeah, sometimes, I’ll admit it. Do I care about what’s happening in his life? Not one bit.

But without even searching for him through social media, I still have my own to worry about – I still have photos of my past life with him on my Instagram feed and sometimes, like tonight, I don’t know why but I choose to take a journey back to that life. A life that once was. I still have trouble looking at those photos without feeling a little sick to the stomach. And those photos, of me and him and the life we built together, sometimes seem like it was all a dream. Did it really happen? Did I really live with him? And we cooked together? We shopped for groceries together? We renovated and poured love into a home together? Sometimes it feels like it all never happened but the photos say otherwise. It’s a strange feeling.

When looking at those photos, I also tend to compare my life then to my life now. What a stark contrast. Back then it was all about us. It was all about planning for the future, worrying about the future. And yes, there is some planning of the future even today, but I am not worried about where this life will take me. I’ve said it before and I’ll continue to say it as long as I continue to feel this way but the greatest gift the end of my marriage gave me was the wake up call I needed to truly be in the moment. To live my life in the moment. How easy it was for me, in the past, to get so caught up with life, to conforming with standards, to planning the future and worrying about things that didn’t matter. And that took away my ability to truly live in the moment. And though I can never say that it caused me to waste time, because I believe that in everything we experience there are great lessons to be taught, it just reminds me that there is no more important lesson than to appreciate all that we have in our lives today and that it is our loyal duty to ourselves to make the most of our lives today.

Deep thoughts, friends. I do apologise. I can’t sleep tonight, so I write. Thanks for reading!

I’m still here!

Did I mention I moved? Yes, I did. And I still haven’t got the internet connected. It’s a long and painful story, so we’ll just leave it at that shall we? That is the main reason why I haven’t posted much at all. I promise I’ll be back with a mother load of updates when my internet is finally connected.

In the mean time, life has been happening. In full swing. I’ve been feeling good. Mostly. My ups and downs have been in control so far this new year, I’m pleased. I did have a few pondering thoughts last night though. Ones that could’ve spiralled into negativity but I didn’t let it. I thought about my ex in-laws. Yeah, weird hey. Or maybe not. I thought about how it’s been over a year since I’ve seen them and yet I remember their faces. Like you always do with family no matter how long you’ve seen each other. Thinking about the jackass’ family does make my heart a little sad – I wonder if they think of me? If they remember the good times? If they remember how much love and respect I had for them? Or have they forgotten it all out of love and support for the jackass? I guess I’ll never know.

I’ll be back with more when I’m connected.