Weddings

I’m still struggling with weddings. I’ll admit it, I strongly dislike going to weddings divorced. Since separating and divorcing, I’ve been to two weddings. The first was sometime last year and I blogged about how that wedding made me feel anger. It brought up anger towards to the jackass that I had obviously been suppressing and compartmentalising.

Last night, almost a year later, I went to another wedding and it just made me feel sad. Plain and simple, sad. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love weddings and love celebrating the love between two people. Last night’s wedding was probably the most beautiful, most heartfelt and most moving wedding I’ve ever been too. The bridegroom had the most amazing speech and though most of my tears throughout and after the speech was a result of his beautiful words for his new wife, I can’t deny that some of those tears were a reflection of the sadness felt in the deepest parts of my heart – didn’t I have that? Why has the reality of my marriage been so far removed from what I’d dreamt for it to be? Why could he not love me the way I thought he could? Was what we had even real? Or was it all an illusion? I just don’t know. I don’t want to believe that the life we built together over a decade simply didn’t mean anything. But I don’t even know that. I don’t know what was real and what wasn’t.

The love I saw last night at the wedding was unconditional, the type of love that could move mountains. It’s hard to snap out of it when I’m being thrusted into the moment, but I just couldn’t help but wonder why. Why wasn’t it to be for me? I want to be loved by a man who has the kindest and most beautiful of hearts. It’s just painful to know that I thought I had that. That’s why I chose him. I thought I had that in a man. I truly believed that he was the one. And it hurts and it kills that it wasn’t what it seemed.

Weddings are still tough, is all.

Trying to find happy

You guys, these in between days are hard. I’m not going to lie. I woke up yesterday and tried my hardest to give myself a great day. I really tried. And for the most part, it was a good day. I always enjoy a nice brunch so I took myself out to brunch. It was an exceptionally hot day in Melbourne so I chose to stay indoors. I mostly watched movies, caught up on episodes of Suits and edited some of my Christmas photos. I even went for a run, which I might add, I failed miserably at. That’s for another post!

I know I haven’t been feeling myself since Christmas Eve. I’m trying to sit back and gain some rational perspective on this emotional ride I seem to struggle to get through this time of the year. Since my separation, when it comes to Christmas and the New Year, I seem to go through this emotional funk. This dark tunnel with twists and bends that last for days. As the days go past, I find glimpses of light and when I do, I try to hold on to them for as long as I can. But they eventually fade, it seems so much harder to hold on to them during these in between days.

I’m trying to figure out what it is about these in between days that brings on the sad, melancholy feeling in me. Is it boredom? Is it loneliness? It is change? Is it uncertainty? All of the above? I know I’m still somewhat reeling from the end of my marriage. Still grieving. Still healing. I’ve come far in accepting that marriage isn’t always forever. And I’ve come far and wide in feeling anything for the jackass. Including anger. I am slowly learning to let the anger and resentment go. But the grief I have for the loss of my marriage is still lingering at the forefront of my healing heart.

I find this time of the year to be a tricky one. This temporary depression is the ultimate catch 22. And I say temporary because I know I’ve felt this way before and I know that I’ve always come out of it. So, when I ask myself if the reason I’m feeling the way I do is because of boredom, I feel like it is a cop out. How can I be bored, when I have all the time in the world to be doing the things I love – like read, take photos or go to the movies. The thing is, I do all of that – I’ve been reading books, online blogs, I’ve gone to the movies, I’ve watched movies at home, I’ve been tinkering with my camera and yet, they have done little to lift this cloud hanging above me. When I ask myself if it’s because I feel lonely, it’s contradictory – I just want to be alone, I don’t feel like interacting with anyone right now. But when I’m sitting alone on my couch, I’m restless. A small part of me is envious of those who are in relationships. That’s the thing when you’re in a relationship, you have default company. Yes, you want to spend time with them and you choose to spend time with them, but they are also there by default. But having said all that, I don’t want to be in a relationship right now. See, what I mean?

I go back to work tomorrow. Like last year, when I returned to work and regular life, things felt more at ease. I predict it will be the same this year. I never want to wish my days away, just because I know how precious life is and how short life is. So I just need to ride out this insane wave as best as I can.

The in between days

The days between Christmas and New Years are what I call the ‘in between’ days. The hype of Christmas dulls to an end and the anxiety or thrill of the New Year lurks near. Right now, we’re right in the middle of these in between days. In my past life (i.e. pre-separation life), my in between days were always about the jackass and myself. We’d spend Christmas with our families and we’d celebrate the New Year with friends. The in between days were for us. Just us.

Today, these in between days are spent alone. By choice. I could easily have continued to spend time with niece and nephew out in the wine countryside, but instead, I’ve chosen to spend these few days by myself. Just like I did last year. From time to time, I yearn for my time alone. And when I do, I give in and I take it as a sign from my mind and my soul that I need this time to myself. I listen. Last year, I was in a whole different state, mentally and emotionally. My in between days then were filled with sadness and melancholy. There was barely any light at the end of the tunnel. Loneliness was at the forefront. I spent my days mulling over my separation, nursing a very broken heart.

This year, there has been progress. Tonight, I sit in my living room, typing away as I ponder these in between days. I am sitting in complete darkness, the only light coming from my laptop screen and a couple of candles lit on my mantlepiece. The smell of lime and jasmine from my scented candles fill my cosy room as I hear my clock tick along from the wall next to me. I am trying to reflect on the year that’s been and gather my thoughts. There’s no doubt that I’m in a much better place than I was twelve months ago but I can’t deny the fact that I still do feel a slight hint of loneliness and sadness during these in between days. I accept them graciously because I know how strong I am today and I know that I always do feel better and that I am happy. I accept that I still have bad days.

The key to it all though, is knowing that I am in control of how I react to my emotions. Today wasn’t a great day. But I know that when I open my eyes tomorrow morning, I can make it a great day. I have the ability to control the way I think, the way I perceive things. So that’s what I’m going to do tomorrow. I’m going to wake up and make it a great in between day.

 

Torn

I have been on an emotional roller coaster ride for almost a year now. The waves still come and go. At the start of this journey, so much, if not all, of the confusion and heartache were directly caused by the jackass and his doings. Now, almost 12 months later, much has happened, and though he’s still the reason and cause for a lot of my heartache, other things in my life also lead me to feel the way I’m feeling right now – confused, torn, sad.

I am incredibly torn between pursuing a dream of learning photography in hopes of cultivating this passion and love I have for it. And this strong urge I feel that I need to hold on to my current career in finance which I don’t hate but in actual fact, do enjoy. It’s not even a matter of just holding on to this career – there is still much for me to learn in my industry and I can feel it in my bones that there will be opportunities presenting itself soon which will enable me to progress my finance career.

I want to study photography so desperately. I want to take photos for as long as I live, tell stories through a lens, help others make beautiful memories. But I’m also almost just as tempted to progress my existing career – I know if I’m willing to give it my all in finance like I’ve been doing the last few years, I could have a great career in this industry. The question is… Would I love it as much as I love photography? Do I have that burning desire to make a great career out of it like I do with photography? I don’t know. I feel like the more I think about it, the more confused I get.

In other beautiful news, my best friend became a mother for the first time last week. A gorgeous baby girl who also happens to be my goddaughter. I was completely floored when my best friend and her boyfriend asked me if I’d be her godmother. There was no hesitation. Just honour. So honoured.

My best friend having a baby has got me feeling a zillion things. I am without a doubt incredibly happy for her. With every inch of me. To the depths of my heart, happy and grateful that she’s starting this new chapter of her life. But it’s left me feeling very out of place. Surprisingly. We’ve had many friends who have started families and with that, my best friend and I were some of the only ones kid-free. Until now. Weirdly, it’s been a huge learning curve for me and a big adjustment on my part. I’m sure our friendship will always be important and will always be a significant part of each of our lives but right now, baby comes first. Best friend has her priorities, rightfully so. And our friendship right now isn’t the highest priority on the list. Like with most first-time mothers, she is struggling with the change of having to care for a newborn, crazy hormones and sleep deprivation. All of which I’m sure is far from easy. I’m of course being the best friend I can be, by providing support, encouragement and also by giving her space. It’s a special time in her life and in her boyfriend’s life. I feel like they need their time and space, so I give them that.

But is it crazy that so much of my heart feels like it’s hurting because it feels like I’ve lost a best friend even though I know she’s right there and nothing has been lost. I think I may just be sad to see our ‘old friendship’ go because let’s face it, our friendship will change with the presence of a baby. The level of love, respect and understanding we have for one another won’t change but everything else could. I get that I probably won’t have her full attention for at least the next couple of years – babies and toddlers require a lot of attention don’t they? My heart feels a little heavy. And I know that’s stupid.

Feeling fear

I have to say that for the most part, I’m having an amazing time traveling Europe. But I still find that I need to pinch myself from time to time because so much of me still can’t believe that I’m here doing what I’ve been dreaming of for a long time. My biggest fear right now is that I will never truly be in the moment while I travel because my heart is still healing. There is still much sadness and heartache within me. I know that. And I’m so scared that this heartache is preventing me from experiencing the best parts of my travels. How do I snap out of this? How do I forget everything and just be in the moment? If only for the next few weeks till I get home.

From Venice with love

Hello from Venice, Italy! After a surprisingly manageable 24 hours of flying, I am on the other side of the world, on a different continent, in a completely different time zone, soaking up the summer sun. It’s fantastic.

I’ve been in Venice just over 48 hours now and I can tell you that I’ve fallen in love with this city. It is definitely up there amongst cities I love most, alongside NYC, Chicago and of course my very own city, Melbourne.

I have been trying to open my heart and mind to this beautiful city. Trying. Most times, I succeed and I pretty much just gape in awe of everything that I see – every bridge, every canal, every cobblestone street, every skinny alleyway – they all make my heart sigh. In a big, satisfying way. There’s just so much beauty around me right now.

It’s been difficult though, I won’t lie. And to be honest, I did not think that it would be. When I decided to travel Europe earlier this year, I specifically planned it so that I’d travel solo. Aside from the couple of friends I’m hoping to meet with for a couple of days here and there, I’ll be traveling solo most of this trip. For a trip spanning five weeks, which is pretty lengthy in my books, I wouldn’t really do it any other way. Of course, if I had a significant other, I’d want to travel with him.

The jackass and I travelled a lot. And in our travels, I remember always being at my happiest. We both loved traveling and looked forward to our next adventure. I vividly remember having that feeling in my heart everytime we traveled somewhere different that having a travel experience was always so much sweeter because I had him to share it with.

It really wouldn’t be the same had I chosen to travel with friends. I love them to bits but I’d rather spend five weeks by myself than five weeks with friends in one hotel room. That’s just me. I mean, there is an entire array of reasons I could give you of why I’d prefer to travel solo. But it’s tough. I realise that. Even more so now that I’m in the thick of my travels, alone.

I’m a little lonely, I’ll admit it. My heart also aches. Venice is a beautiful, romantic city. Everywhere I turn there are couples walking hand in hand, sneaking a kiss or two, gently caressing their significant other’s arm. I see young couples with their little babies in strollers walking along canals. I see couples reading maps together or enjoying a simple wine and pasta dinner at dusk. And me? Well, I walk along and soak every minute and every summer sun ray in as much as I possibly can while everything I just described stabs me right in my heart.

As I stood on the traghetto on Venice’s Grand Canal yesterday evening, the tears fell. Unexpectedly. I don’t know if it was because of the heat or the jetlag. Or because I just felt sad in that moment. Maybe a little of everything. But they fell. I hopped off the traghetto silently swearing at the jackass. I then decided it was time for dinner and went on a hunt for some delicious pasta. And found it.

I really am trying my hardest to make the most of the next five weeks. Because I’m so incredibly lucky to be able to travel like I am. I’m trying my best to let go of whatever anger and bitterness I have left for the jackass so that I’m able to truly open my heart to new experiences and new beginnings. The next few weeks are going to be some of the most amazing weeks of this new life I live. I have no doubt they will be.

Weekend of nothing

My having trouble to sleep is nothing new. I don’t even know if trouble is the precise word for it. I guess in some ways it is. But in other ways, it’s me not wanting to fall asleep. I’ve been this way for a long, long time now. Not wanting tomorrow to come soon enough. Falling asleep only means that before I know it, tomorrow is here. I know, it’s a little crazy. I can’t even explain myself.

Last Friday, I woke up and got ready for work, like I do everyday. But I just wasn’t feeling myself. I got to the train station and as I waited for the train, I felt myself becoming somewhat anxious. I write that word anxious with great hesitation because I don’t know what anxious is. I’m not an anxious person. But at that moment, I felt dizzy, unsettled, restless and just unwell. I made the decision to head home instead of to the office.

Since Friday, I have been feeling unlike myself. My emotions are all over the place and like I posted earlier this weekend, I’m just at a lost. I’ve come to notice a trend in myself. And that is, when things aren’t going right in some aspect of my life – lately it’s been my career – it tends to trigger unwanted emotions and feelings that relate to my separation and failed marriage. And that? That throws me into a huge downward spiral of melancholy and plain sadness. Dissatisfaction. The blah kind of feeling.

I have done nothing this weekend. I had a lot to do but I chose to do nothing. For the first time in six months, I made up stories to family and friends as to why I didn’t want to be somewhere. I know, it’s a horrible thing to do. But this weekend was one of those weekends that saw me just want to be alone. Even though I’m already so alone. Lonely. The loneliness is something else.

On how I’m doing

For the most part, I’m doing well. All things considered. I mean, the end of my marriage didn’t necessarily make me want to find the nearest bridge and jump off it. It didn’t see me lose an insane number of kilos. Although that wouldn’t have been all bad. And it didn’t see me hole up in a dark corner of my apartment refusing to have contact with the outside world.

Don’t get me wrong, it certainly hasn’t been easy. Even though I haven’t wanted to jump off a bridge, this separation has had me questioning everything. And I mean everything. My life – my lifestyle, my career, my friends, my family, even things that shouldn’t matter like how I wear my hair, the clothes I wear, the way I laugh, the curves of my body. Everything, everything.

Even though I haven’t lost half my body weight, I have lost weight. The first month of my separation, I just was not interested in food. Not eating was easier than buying groceries and cooking up a meal. Not eating was easier than picking up the phone to order a pizza.

Even though I haven’t been curled up in a dark corner of my apartment, guess what? There are days where I want to do just that. I want to stay under my covers and not see the light of day, and not want to say hello to the girl who takes my coffee order or put on a fake, pretend smile for the people I work with. It’s tiring, it’s exhausting.

So yes, mostly I’m doing good. I have to give myself credit for how well I’ve coped. But in saying that, this huge wave that I’m still riding, is persistent. It’s relentless. Some days I just cope better. Other days not so much. This last week, has seen the ‘not so much’ kinda days. And like all my other bad days, I just wait. Wait and ride it out. Because eventually, it will end and my heart will feel okay again.

Home sweet home

I’m home from my travels and it feels good. Hong Kong was just as lovely, exciting and animating as I remembered it to be. Before last week, my last Hong Kong experience was 2 years ago. With the jackass.

I have to admit that it was a little odd being back there, single and with my girlfriends. Many places we came across, I’d been previously with the jackass. All of my memories in Hong Kong were with him. It was hard not to be there and not think of him and us. I wanted and tried, with all my heart, not to look back. But I couldn’t. So I did. I looked back and it hurt a little and it felt a little lonely.

I’ll post more about my travels later but for now, it’s time to catch up with life at home.

Hindsight

My separation from the jackass has given me the gift of hindsight, no doubt. Although I did not see his affair coming and had no idea of his ability and capacity to betray me in the way he did, I can’t say that I wouldn’t have changed anything.

The jackass and I by no means had the perfect relationship or marriage. Like most couples, some days we fell short of kindness or understanding. On other days we lacked patience and empathy. But not for a second did I ever think we lacked love and trust. If you asked me 6 months ago what I treasured most about our marriage, I would’ve said the love and trust we had for each other. How ironic.

But looking back now would I have changed anything? Probably. I probably wouldn’t have stressed about things that really did not matter. Like the type of house I wanted to live in. The neighbourhood I wanted to live in. The finances even though there wasn’t anything to worry about with finances. I just stressed and worried about things that didn’t need it. And maybe that distracted my attention from what needed attention – clearly, the jackass was feeling somewhat inadequate.

I will never make excuses for the jackass. Because at the end of the day, he chose to make those decisions and they were his own. No one else’s. He was deceitful, dishonest and disrespectful on all levels to say the least, so no excuses can be made on his part.

Part of my healing has made me realise that although the failure of my marriage was not caused by me, I do have to somehow wade through all the hurt and betrayal to see what I could’ve done on my part. I know there was nothing I could’ve done to stop the jackass from cheating – he is fully responsible for his actions. But there are things that I could’ve done (or we could’ve done) to nurture our relationship.

I keep thinking that in the last couple of months together, we were both terrible at spending quality time together as husband and wife – granted we were selling a house, we were crazy busy at work and life just happened – but we always seem to go back to the life always gets in the way cliche. And sometimes it’s not good enough.

Part of my healing also knows that the things I would’ve changed probably wouldn’t have made the jackass act differently. My suspicions are that he had fallen out of love a long time before we were married and I was never given a chance. My deepest of hearts feels like I went into a marriage that was a lost cause. Which is the saddest part for me as my wedding day was one of my happiest days.

One of the many positives I can take from my marriage ending is that I now know what I want in my next relationship whenever that may be, with whoever that may be. I have learnt that I need to be more present with my relationships. That love and trust can never be taken for granted.