When the jackass and I separated, I had no doubt in my mind that the journey after would be one hell of a roller coaster ride. It was. Dealing with the aftermath of a divorce continues to be a roller coaster ride. No surprises there.
When I entered into a new relationship almost nine months ago, I had no idea that it was going to be one hell of a ride. To be honest, I had no idea what to expect. I certainly did not expect to have met a potential partner so soon after my separation and divorce. In fact, a few months into my separation, I clearly remember telling a friend that there would be no chance in hell that I’d find anyone in the next five years. I was clearly wrong because about eighteen months after the jackass and I went our separate ways, I did meet someone and we started a relationship.
This ‘new’ relationship has been a roller coaster ride for me in a million different ways. As beautiful and exciting as it was for the both of us to have found a relationship that just felt right in every possible way, I still struggled. I struggled a lot with opening up my heart completely, I struggled a lot with trusting him and trusting that history would not repeat itself. And I would feel completely and utterly guilty for having trust issues with a man who only gave me no reason not to trust him. He was paying for the jackass’ mistakes and I knew just how unfair that was.
Luckily as the months went by, my heart gradually gave in and I learnt to let this wonderful man in. I am still learning. I was and am continuing to fall in love with a man who has shown me in the course of nine months that we are building this solid relationship from ground up, relying solely on trust, honesty, love, respect, compassion, empathy and joy. He has shown me through actions, through words, through every fibre of his being that he is here to stay – no matter how rough things get, no matter what life throws at us, no matter how emotional I get, no matter how irrational I may be at times, no matter how much I try to self-sabotage myself and push him away – he is here. Always. His love, his promises, his commitment has never wavered, has never faltered, not one bit. He is always the high in this roller coaster ride of mine.
The lows, however. I am my low. I am my own enemy. Lately, I have realised that I have been self-sabotaging all that is good in our relationship. Why? Why do I feel the need to push him away? I know I am worthy of a great relationship and a great man, like him, who makes me his priority, who tells me every single day that I am beautiful, who is the most perfect gentleman I know, who has been nothing but kind, gentle and patient with me and my emotions. I find it difficult to understand why it is that I try to self-sabotage this amazing relationship that we have. It’s not too good to be true because it is good and it is true. It’s right infront of me. I tend to silently blame the jackass and my divorce for the mess that are my emotions, but alas, I’m trying to look in the mirror instead of pointing a finger.
There is so much I have yet to learn about myself. I still have fears from my divorce, I still have fears of being in another committed relationship. But I am trying. And I am present. I am completely aware of this beautiful relationship I have right now and trust me when I say that I am grateful and that I know just how lucky I am. I just need to keep riding this ride and figure things out as I go along.