So here’s how I feel about dating right now. I’m not fully convinced that I need to be in the dating scene. In fact, I know for sure that being single, is the one thing that makes me truly happy and content right now. That’s for a different post though. Being single rocks.
I also know that love is a beautiful thing and that loving someone and being loved is a gift. And it’s a feeling like no other. I know that. Do I want that right now? Do I feel the need to be in love right now? No, there is no need. More importantly, there is no want for it either.
I will say this though – I feel like I’ve always been a good judge of character and because of that I’ve always been pretty open in trusting people who are new to my life, until they give me a reason not to. Needless to say, the jackass’ betrayal has left me with trust issues to a certain degree. How could it not. The one person I trusted most betrayed me beyond comprehension. I don’t like having my heart so closed off and completely guarded but it’s now instinct and a natural thing for me to build a brick wall around my heart when I meet someone for the first time, especially if it’s someone of the opposite sex who could be a potential love interest.
It’s almost always men whom I meet for the first time that I have these issues with. Because I don’t know them. It’s almost a completely different story when I look at my male friends around me, whether they could be potential love interests or not – I trust them fully. It helps that I know them. Because I have an idea of whether they’re capable of hurting my heart or not.
I’m not sure how to deal with these trust issues. I’m not sure if it will slowly dissipate with time or if it will be with me for the long haul. It’s a little scary, sometimes terrifying, that I feel like I just cannot bring myself to trust a man I don’t know who for all I know could be completely sincere and genuine. I know it’s something I need to work on, but at the same time it’s also something I need to cut myself some slack for. I guess I’m just hoping that in time, when I eventually meet someone worth sharing my heart with, I’ll be able to open my heart to him. To let go and be free. I don’t want to feel the fear my heart feels now whenever I think of the possibility of letting someone in.
A Lovely New Life 