I have to admit that I have been feeling many highs and lows over the last few weeks. There have been moments when I’ve been feeling genuinely great – incredibly positive and upbeat about life. And there have been moments when I’ve been feeling, I don’t know, restless. Frustrated. Emotional.
So, the highs of late?
Surprisingly, the one year anniversary of my separation from the jackass was more of a high. I feel incredibly proud and empowered by how far I’ve come in the last 12 months. I feel good about where I am in my life right now, given the circumstances. I’m sure had the jackass and I still been together, starting a family would’ve been high on the cards. But the reality is that, that is not my reality. Given my new reality, I feel good about where I am and how I feel about myself.
My travels gave me a great deal of perspective. I brought home a lifetime of memories from my European travels, and now when I dig into that memory box of traveling Italy and France, it lifts me into a high cloud. Sometimes I don’t ever want to come down from that cloud. My memories of my travels never fail to bring a smile to my face. And lately? When this heart of mine feels like its sliding down a slippery slope of sadness and melancholia, I try and distract myself by thinking of the time I tried to buy a block of cheese from a French market in Lyon or the time I had an intimate conversation with a lady I’d just met at the train station in a tiny French Provencal town. Happy memories.
Running has also put me on a great high the last couple of months. I have noticed a drastic improvement in my running ability which honestly, makes me the happiest of happy right now. There’s just something so powerful and so amazing about achieving something you put your mind to. Even better when you’ve failed miserably at said task many times previously but now, you’re actually getting there. I never used to understand how people saw exercising as a form of stress release. I think I used to dislike exercising so much that I never gave it a chance to relieve any stress that I had. I just had a pre-conceived notion in my head before any exercise regime that I was going to dislike it, that my brain and my heart just never got past that hurdle. Now? I feel like a completely different person when I approach running. It’s one of my things now. Like how photography and finding new cafes to brunch at is my thing. Running is also now my thing. I still find it pretty unbelievable that only six weeks ago I dreaded the thought of going for a run. Now, I can’t wait for my next run.
The opposite sex. Oh lord. Men. What am I going to do about men. Though it would be completely understandable given what’s happened with the jackass if I said that I’m completely over men, the thing is, I’m not. Don’t get me wrong, a relationship is actually the furthest thing from my mind right now. I feel like I need to dedicate an entire post to my love of being single right now, which I will. But the truth is that I am slowly opening my mind up to the idea of interacting with the opposite sex in an intimate manner. You see, there’s this guy at work. Yes, of course there had to be a real-life example. When I returned from Europe, a new guy had started in my team a few weeks before. In fact, he started the week after I left for Europe. It was quite a lovely surprise to return to work after being five weeks away to a new face. And a good looking one at that. Let’s call him “Hottie”. Since my return to work, Hottie and I have been building a work/play relationship. We work together, so there’s a lot of work-related things we talk about with necessary one-on-one interaction. And since we work in the same team, there’s also been plenty of getting-to-know-you-type interaction – there’s been a ton of playful banter back and forth. I wouldn’t necessarily consider it flirtatious banter. But it’s definitely bordering flirtation. There’s been a whole lot of teasing and a whole lot of compliments going back and forth between the two of us. I won’t lie, I love it. It’s been a most welcomed distraction at work. A distraction to this whole divorce process I’m going through. But. There’s a but. Hottie has a girlfriend. Why is it that all guys that I’m attracted to and have some sort of connection with are never available? Though Hottie has put me on a high over the last few weeks, it really is a big disappointment that he has a girlfriend because all I want to do is make out with him. I know, please forgive me for sounding so teenage-ry, but that’s the truth. I want nothing more but to make out with him. And maybe sleep with him. But it’s never going to happen because of said girlfriend. I just wouldn’t allow it.
So, the lows?
There have not been any specific events that have triggered the lows lately. I guess I’ve just been feeling a little melancholy from time to time. I’ve been struggling with wanting to spend time by myself, craving that alone time, but when it comes down to it, the loneliness kicks in. And with loneliness comes the ‘too much time to think’ problem. A catch 22 which I don’t know how to fix. Recently, a few of the jackass’ words and actions were brought to my attention – all of which just proves to me yet again on how immature he really is and how he was nowhere near ready for marriage. The things I’ve heard don’t change my thoughts and feelings towards him nor does it impact the way I live my life now – but I guess it must still hit a nerve or something because it angers and frustrates me. And the main point I keep coming back to is this – who is this person? Who is he? There is nothing about him today that I recognise. And I mean nothing.
I guess you could say I’m having a lot more highs than lows. Which is awesome. But sometimes the lows really hit me hard. It still does. Here’s to hoping for a good week ahead.
A Lovely New Life 